We are what we do...

As our journey has wound hither and thither, one thing that always stood out to us is how no one (including ourselves) is separate from what we do. So often we have heard people say, or have said it ourselves in the early days... "It's just a job." Or, "It pays the bills." But what we do leaves an imprint on the world. Everyone that comes in contact with us throughout our day is changed and transformed, even if on a subtle, unconscious level.

How often have you witnessed another person respond to your smile in like? Or gotten off the phone with customer service and wanted to just cry for the hours lost with no resolution to your issue in sight? The grocery check out or the bank teller, the parking attendant, the janitor, the teacher, the police officer, the nurse the doctor... every single person can affect your mood, and sometimes your life.

Most of us have THAT teacher, that we remember as an inspiration ~ who told us that we could, when we didn't believe it was possible. Or a doctor that may have given us news, either positive or negative that completely changed the way we saw our life unfolding.

And yet that teacher, doctor, bank teller, grocery clerk, police officer... in his or her mind was just "doing their job".

There are no meaningless moments in our lives. Every moment is a creative space. We can create heaven for someone or hell. We can create harmony or chaos. And that which we are choosing to create is reflective of who we are even if it is just in that moment. But we can not separate what we do from who we are.

I remember for instance when after graduation from university, I wanted to teach. I wanted to make a difference. I remembered the troubled kids I had been a counsellor for youth that had been through the courts for various reasons. I wanted to be someone that could make a difference before it went that far. I thought quite a bit about myself. hehe But I got stuck in as they say here in the UK, I really loved the kids, can't say that about the paperwork and administrative issues of education. I really really tried to show the students that it didn't matter that they came from impoverished or challenging circumstances, if they really applied themselves, they could do anything they wanted to, because that is what I had been taught. To me that was a universal law. The principal of the school thought otherwise. He "invited" me to his office one day and informed me that he had caught wind of my motivational talks and said they were to stop immediately. It was my sole purpose to teach to the tests. He said that since I wasn't raised in the projects, I didn't understand that you don't leave the projects so I was just selling these kids lies. I tried to stay after this conversation, but I couldn't live a lie myself. So I left.

Several years later, I was working in customer service. It paid well, but I hated it. I hated who I was at work I was grouchy and petty. I hated that I worked for a major power company that had no soul. I hated telling people at Christmas that there was nothing I could do to get their power back on for their young child because of a storm. I also hated telling people, I could not get their power back on for lack of payment (that was less true... I could do, but then I would get fired). Morality seemed blurred sometimes, and I never felt very good about myself when I went home at night. But then I had to honestly look at what I was going home to. My "marriage" was seemingly non-existent, the house was chaotic, cluttered and messy, the kids were clingy and needy and I was just emotionally bankrupt. I struggled financially, and I understood what the people I talked to everyday were going through in the threat of having their power turned off, because I too had been there. But had I really left "there"? Emotionally, I could only see what I didn't have, professionally, I could only do what I was told.. and that was only a half attempt just to stay employed. The company had been really patient, kind and understanding throughout my 3 years there. They allowed me to take a 6 month unpaid leave when Analis was born early and then again a large unpaid leave when she became severely ill at 9 months. I owed them my loyalty after all right? But it meant selling my light, love and leaning towards goodness... what we do is a reflection of who we are in that moment... and so it was.

And so it is easy to understand how it took no coercion on Andrew's part when he asked me to leave my job. Logic would scream "That is so irresponsible!", what if... but my soul was tired of living and working a lie that insulted the very core of who I am.

Some people are able to turn down the volume of their truths, stuffing them down with food, alcohol, sex, telling themselves over and over they are happy in hopes that eventually they will believe it. They say "it is just a job," but where does the "job" end and life begin? How many hours do we give away to our places of work? How can it be separate when it takes up so much of our lives? And if we are numbing ourselves to deal with the stresses of it? Does it make any sense? We are giving meaning to our lives by what we choose to spend every moment of it doing.

The immigration officer in Canada was "just doing his job", but I am not so sure he went home feeling good about his choices that evening. How could he have looked his partner (if he had one) or his child (if there was one) and not be reminded of the choices he made that day. YES! He was following orders, and guidelines, and everything in the book... but did it make him feel good about who he is? He may get awarded "Officer of the Month", but I am not sure he will ever be able to erase the panicked tears and the desperate hugs he witnessed that day between a little girl and the only daddy she had ever known. He did his best that day, but his best was a reflection of rules and regulations, fear and suspicious beliefs. That day, the truth we told was not believed, and fear won the day.

If we didn't live in fear, what would our lives look like? Who would we be? What would drive us? What changes would we make in our daily lives that resembled our joy as opposed to our fear? What would we do?

Every moment is precious, for some it may be their only moment in our presence, for others their last... but all moments count. Every encounter changes all those in it... who are we in this moment now?